T w e n t y T w e l v e

Before commencing my annual reflective post, I decided to re-read my past ones from 2010 and 2011. These posts were detailed, interesting and a style of writing I'm finding difficulty to return to. So with my best shot, here it goes. 

Unlike 2011, this year wasn't entirely a smooth ride as I hoped to positively write about. It wasn't even good to begin with either. In January I was trying to rebuild myself after being screwed over. This feeling was the worst, I took on an emotional and physical toll that only time could heal. And time did as I spent and now wasted five months on another someone, hoping to replace the ones that couldn't have been. This was almost half a year of my life that I could never get back no matter how hard I try. I use to tell myself to never regret being happy. Well that saying can go to hell when you become bitter with the memories you want to erase and downright furious at how you were treated. I hate them all for doing this to me. I feel embarrassed at my past actions. Yet this time I came out even stronger. I wasn't going to spend any more time trying to "fix" things because it wasn't my fault. I even finally realized something far more important, I don't deserve this at all. I can do things on my own and I wasn't going to let anyone stop me from being who I am. I don’t belong to anyone and neither should I be subjected in such objective manner. I've spent way too long fixated on people who wouldn't be worth anything to me in the future. It's time to stop. Take a step forward. "It's about being better than you were yesterday".

February 2012                                                  September 2012

I cut off my hair. It was time for a change and a challenge. I was moving along the lines of defying the norms of beauty. In today's society, you'd usually correlate long hair on females as beautiful. Having long black hair seemed to be my natural default as the Asian girl and so after much deliberation I went to the hairdressers. It's been three months and I have not regretted my decision once. I don't wake up to my face covered in hair and shower time is shortened. I still kick myself for not doing this earlier. Receiving many positive responses from my peers, remembering back to my long hair days had already become a blur. It was liberating, something I hadn't felt for a while. This common act among women was also considered to be a way of letting go. Well, in those terms yes I do believe there was an emotional part of me that I needed to eradicate. It was simple. I had long hair throughout the period of time when I had my mind on a specific someone and I just didn't want to be that silly old person anymore. Cutting my hair made me feel so much better and lighter. So I say take a chance and just do it girls! This year I've also started painting my nails, curling my lashes and putting on mascara whenever I went out except for uni (because you know, it's just uni). Not many people could tell the difference with my eyes (...cause they're small…), yet once again this was confidence in a tiny package where ever I went. I won't let these new feelings go extreme though, I've seen way too many horrific before and after transformations. A Chinese man even sued his wife for being ugly and misleading with her plastic surgery / makeup. Do you know how he found out? When their first born was an ugly baby. I also don't want to leave patches of foundation or tan on your shoulders when we go in for hugs. With that said, make up seems to be the one thing I have self control on. On the other hand the internet, food, sleeping, financial budgets are factors in my life which I unfortunately know no limits in. I seem to have done all these "girly" things that I wouldn't even bother looking at a year ago. I can also master a day in low to moderate wedged shoes too! I use to hate wearing heels. How did I become so feminine...? 

Soup of the day | Writing essays | The top view from one of the building at uni

Transferring to a new university wasn't an easy progress at the beginning of the year. I had to get all the paperwork sorted out in a week from the moment I received my approval. Getting things printed, dashing between two different unis and the post office on one hour of sleep wasn't my idea of fun at all. In the end the admission process was satisfied and I was excited in beginning a new path with not only science, but also education. I am fortunate enough to have met such young and bright classmates in my education tutorial classes! I successfully completed ten days of placement. Five days at a primary school where I was able to establish an observational as well as a professional persona to a class of grade 2’s. The other five days were at a swimming pool. Observations this time had to be more hands on. I was in the water for most of the placement aiding instructors by holding hoops / toys and helping students to float. Travel time was cut in half and I was mainly on my own on my journeys to and from uni as well as in lectures. I didn't mind it, I actually liked being alone during these periods of time. I did miss the variation of food I was able to purchase from the city at the beginning, but I found a way to overcome it eventually along with an un-named food adventure friend. If I wasn't in lecture, I was at home or in the library. If I wasn't in any of those three places, I was at the cafe getting high on company and frappucinos. Mainly on frappucinos. At this rate I was procrastinating like never before; submitting assignments just before the deadline. One thing that I followed strictly though: it didn't matter what time it was, I will never allow myself to go past the due date (except once for Further Maths and I spent lunchtime in detention ooooo). I'd chant at night to myself, you're not sleeping till you get this done! I thought I would never have to write an essay every again after VCE English and after a year long break from the pen to the paper, how was wrong was I. Major assignment tasks were primarily based on thousands of words. It was difficult streaming my thoughts onto paper again. I use to be able to do it in a matter of hours for English, and now I'll need weeks to get it done. The behaviours described did all show in my end of semester marks. I saw it coming. I'm not a consistent student, and with this I pledge (again) to work harder next year.

A new uni, a new workplace. The centre I tutored last year had been closed down due to small number of students enrolling. It would have been too expensive for them to continue hiring the school so I was moved to a different centre, one actually closer to home. I took up two shifts too. This arrangement allowed me to meet new and wonderful colleagues, and even reuniting me with one very good high school friend. (Yesterday) was in fact my last Saturday lesson with the grade 2's. I'll admit even with all the corrections I have to do for them every week, they were certainly a bright bunch of students with so many personalities (most were cheeky) that I was fortunate to have the pleasure of teaching this year. You know that feeling when you're on public transport by yourself and you just sit there observing the other passengers? You wonder where they were going, or waiting for or what life events they've encountered. Each and every person in the world has their own story. Well, I sort of do that...when the students are quietly doing their work. I wonder how they'll be in the future. What they'd be like when they all grow up? What potential and opportunities will life grant to them?  I guess these were questions I'll most likely never know the answer to.

I had also decided to expand my experiences with working with children with the reading buddy volunteer program at the library. It's been four weeks now every Tuesday, and the volunteering officers are super nice and appreciative of our help in the community. By appreciative I meant spoiling us rotten on our birthdays and Christmas! I've been helping a prep student one on one with his reading and writing in a cosy corner in the library. The two of us, along with my program officer and her student would sit on tiny tables and chairs for the lesson. I’m pretty surprised I haven’t fallen off my chair yet considering how big I am to it. Instead of being constantly in the generic classroom, learning in the community is just as important (as emphasized in first year education). Here, my student and I were able to choose from a wide range of picture books for each lesson. I was introduced to new learning resources such as the "Speak out!" box to promote speech, magnetic alphabet and words and many more. Another simple thing in life to be happy about, brand new coloured textas to use for writing. Oh how I've forgotten the little magic of these moments. We even played Snakes and Ladders on a huge soft mat! He won 2/3 games. Hopefully my work here will allow the student transfer his knowledge into the classroom. Next year there will be more students, so I'll have to learn quickly how to grasp onto and attend their different needs.

 

*Linda is actually pointing to a random person....

This year has gone by so fast, and I've managed to wake up a little more different each day. I felt a small and quiet change within. The need to socialize myself in large groups wasn't ideal to me anymore. I was very much happier with a small number of people. Good people. Getting really close to anyone else beyond my "circle of trust" seemed tiring, and something that wasn't worthwhile doing either. By now and what I've seen from the people our age, I'm not the only one who sees it this way. Most are already also comfortable in their established clique. You can be friends with anyone. To become close with someone is another different story; one that requires extreme attention to effort, compromise and acceptance. My mother sometimes wonders why I don't have any secret admirers (her words) and then I thought to myself, man I'm pretty lucky to even have friends considering how weird I can get. I've become even more grateful of them this year. Another year meant another whole new batch of hungry for the road P - plate drivers. I was very thankful that I was able to be driven to places without hesitation, but I couldn't help being a feeling a bit of a leech to them. More memorable things were happening to me because of these wonderful people. I'm not the best person in the world but as I said, I can only try to be better than the person I was yesterday. Every time I am with these people, I would do anything to see them smile.

18 here because I had already given two away! 

What better way to show my appreciation for the ups and downs they've witnessed me through is by giving thanks in the Christmas season. So for my 20th birthday earlier in December, I couldn't think of a better idea to celebrate it by thanking the 20 kindest people in my life right now. A couple of days before Christmas day, I've decided to hand deliver 20 Happy Lab jelly beans to the ones that matter the most to me. Although it's a very tiny gift, it represents my utmost gratitude and appreciation for everything they've done for me over the past years. A few of them are still overseas right now, so I'm keeping their test tubes at home until they return next year. One has a house quite far away from me! 

You could probably never tell from this but I've been composing this reflection post for a couple of weeks now. I hardly ever leave unfinished posts saved as draft. In fact, this is the first time. I would back track to this post whenever the time of night was right, and my writer's block wasn't being so terrible. 

Thus concludes another year. At the beginning of the year I could have just remained in a fragile state but I didn't. I won't let myself prolong the state I was in. There were no fucks given and I started rebuilding my life in ways I never did before. True yes, there were some down days when I’d wake up hating everything and not wanting to talk to anyone for no reason. Getting the right people in your life and making them feel loved and cared was one of my top priorities. I don’t bother wasting time on the toxic ones, a future unimaginable with them is a present not worth taking on. I’m feeling more freed. Standing up stronger and being more compassionate has never felt more rejuvenating. 2010 was the year of lessons. 2011 was the year of independence. A more invigorating outlook on life and finding its simple pleasures, this was 2012; a year of being a real human being and a real heroine in your own story.

           

                December                                                 November

       

October                                            September

     

August                                            July

     

June                                         May

          

April                                                        March

        

February                                           January

Thank you for reading. 

Have a very happy new year everyone.

"Forgive me. I only wanted to break the spell, to prove my love. 

I love you for your kindness and courage, I always have." 

Teachers

"Beautiful little kids between the ages of 5 and 10 years old. They had their entire lives ahead of them... birthdays, graduations, weddings, kids of their own. Among the fallen were also teachers, men and women who devoted their lives to helping our children fulfill their dreams."

The events that unfolded at the Sandy Hook elementary school in US is disgusting. It's a different kind of hurt when numerous innocent children were taken away. For the love of God, they had done NOTHING wrong to deserve this tragedy. It disturbs me greatly and brings me to tears when one of the teachers recounts the attacks. She quivers, "[In lock down] I told the children that I loved each and every one of them. I wanted them to know that someone loves them and cares for them at this moment." Children were asked to keep their eyes closed while holding out a hand on the student's shoulder in front of them. The front student held onto the teacher's hand where they were lead to the gym for safety. Teachers began to read stories to children to calm them down in there. Teacher Victoria Soto, aged 27 hid her grade one students in the closet. When the gunman came to her she told him that they were in the gym and he shot her dead. Her students were saved. A terrible tragedy, one I can't even bear to understand it especially when I've been working with children around the victims' ages. It just breaks my heart.

Look at the world around you and fix what you don't like.&n

Pay It Forward (2000)

This is by far one of the most inspirational movies of all time. Produced 12 years ago, it gets me every time. I'll admit I'm not the best person, never. I'm selfish, a terrible hypocrite and I'm slow at making decisions. I'm only human, and I know I can be somebody so much more than just that. Every once in a while I'll remind myself to pay it forward in whatever way I can. Before being aware to this concept, I would be fixated on only performing good deeds if that person did the same to me. Now I've realized, sometimes it's almost impossible for me to reciprocate it back to them. I'd be kicking myself if I couldn't do it. It does not mean however, that I'm less of a person than them. I won't let anyone doubt me like this. People who look down on others don't have anyone to look up to them. So this is my way of paying it forward, to my teachers. 

The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires.

 William Arthur Ward

Like all students, I've had some "bad" teachers, some good and some great. If I had to narrow it down to my two most influential, it'll have to be my Year 8 English teacher and Year 12 Psychology teacher. Before I begin to write about them, I'll give you a bit of background of the student I was in high school. I was the quiet Asian girl, the one who'd always get "please participate more in class" written on their report nearly every year. I was also the one who'd taken every text book home to study and bring it back to school the next day. With my heavy backpack full of books, this would probably explain some reason for my short stature. Sleep or no sleep, I satisfied every single deadline - except once for further maths and I got detention for it later. I believed I was walking the thug life at that point. Extra curricular activities would only be looked upon if they involved food. Debating and whole heap load of participation certificates; high school was pretty much reserved for study and lunch time. 

My English writing skills had taken a significant turning point in Year 8 and it turned out to be my most strongest academic subject in high school. All this took was one teacher, Ms. S. I had found a new way of sophisticated writing as if it was a breath of fresh air. It's difficult to explain how it happened, concepts of metaphors, hyperboles, analogies, all that just suddenly clicked and placed themselves out on paper. In every class she'd try to squeeze out the knowledge we had in our mind. Expanding and elaborating on them, ideas bounced to and fro in the classroom. Books and films were seen in a world that I never knew of. Now I can't even sit and watch a movie or read without analyzing the power of symbolism. Ms. S had given me a key to hidden messages, and things most people would simply oversee. I began appreciating the portrayals in words, images, music and colours - it was art to me. I had struck a chord within. 

Mr. M, my psychology teacher had impacted me on a different aspect. I was fortunate enough to have a teacher aid us in a way that was never distressing or throw us concepts in an overwhelming manner. It was the fact that he had managed to establish a relationship in the classroom where he was not only our teacher - he was also a examiner. In lessons, he'd often incorporate his view from an examiners point; which answers were appropriate or could be better. These annotations were made throughout the semester in person and not just at the end when teachers give you piles of practice exam papers to do. A classroom where you weren't afraid to make mistakes, because he'd always be willing to repeat the information and encourage you again. Mr. M was a teacher who you felt you'd disappoint him if you were disappointed with yourself. It was my final year of VCE and to have most of my teachers rushing to get all the content done in a short time frame, I wasn't in a good place. So when I had chosen a subject I genuinely enjoyed, with a teacher who'd had created a more relaxing environment no doubt this was my most valued and recent high school memory. 

These teachers, my everyday heroes are the ones I can never repay back to them individually. It's their encouragement and hope for their students that I will one day, dedicate in paying it forward to my own class. During our university course selections in Year 12, I initially didn't regard teaching to be my profession and so I entered a science course. It wasn't until I started tutoring with a personal new found sense of classroom relationships, that I could see myself practicing in the future. I could make students who did nothing, do everything. The tables had been turned. I picked up an education course and combined it with science. I was excited, reflecting too upon my experiences with Mr. M and Ms. S as I entered the theater at orientation in the beginning of the year. Like many students initially, I thought I was going to be just like my teachers. Little did I know, this wasn't the ideal mindset I was suppose to have. The course coordinator told us straight away that they were not going to teach us how to be a copy of them at all. Instead, they were going to guide us in ways, choices, ideas, plans and actions we would be able to make on our own for our classrooms. This was definitely a new philosophical mindset I believed for the better, and I was ready to take it on. 

It's been a hard yet rewarding year with new information. I went on two different placements to experience two different settings of teaching in the community. The path I have chosen is not an easy one, and this is my way of paying it forward and I won't tolerate anyone for putting me down or telling me I can't. I want my students to feel valued, to ensure their potential is reached even if they hate me. I want to make students feel that I care, and importantly the way I felt through Mr. M and Ms. S in my own way. When the time comes, when I'm finally there; I'll be able to thank these two people from the bottom of my heart. 

...

"Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach." I won't have a "Dr." in front of my name. I'm not going to make millions either. Yep. I know all the negative stigma that comes with it. So I'm going to have to let you know right now to fuck what you think because I,  don't give a fuck. 

(Shown at orientation day)

What teachers make. 

Poem by Taylor Mali. 

I'm going to make a goddamn difference.

Friendly reminder:

People deal with stress differently.

People deal with being ignored differently. 

People deal with being sick differently. 

Don't be a dick and try to tell someone they are wrong for feeling the way they do

or tell them to die because they feel a certain way.

You aren't them, you don't know how they feel. 

Thank. 

Source

December

I haven't written in a while. The words in my head are becoming harder to project.  

Just registered for the text message release of my semester two results a couple of hours ago. It's hard to breathe or sleep. I'm in a fucking spiral of emotions. Who am I kidding? Studying five days before the exam isn't going to foster any miracles. I spent more time at the coffee shop than at uni this semester. Just give me my marks now and end the misery, or make it worse. I've calculated the percentage of marks I need to achieve to pass the overall subject. It's excruciating waiting and thinking. Waiting and thinking. Waiting and thinking. That's all I ever do. Send me into deep slumber where I'll be in limbo with life and death. Wake me up when this forsaken year ends because I can't take anymore of 2012's shit. I can't.