Days.

During last year, I'd have these days where I'd just want to cry, but couldn't. I wasn't depressed and I've said this over and over - I was more okay than the previous year. These urges would come with no reason at all. It would occur on any normal day; wake up and attend my lectures. It was strange, I just felt the need to release my tears. I never ended up crying though, so I was eventually left with the thought "Had I forgotten how to cry?". It's been a while since I had a sob. These feelings would pass and another day gone and forgotten. A day that had no impact on me whatsoever. 

Yesterday, I was miserable. Not tired, miserable. The heat must have gotten to me. Does heat inhibit the release of endorphins? I began pondering on other underlying causes to my discomfort. It wasn't a bad day, nothing terrible was happening. I woke up feeling as if something was compressing me...again only this time it was stronger and heavier. I gathered up the thoughts circling in mind and ended up having a new worry to focus on every minute. They'd fade out quickly and become blurry, but then they'll come back... On the physical side, my appetite is starting to become suppressive and sometimes my my hand would become more shaky than usual. Am I becoming quieter? Why is the simple "R U Okay?" question starting the surge of my anxiety? 

I'm falling apart again. I'm at war with myself. The shortest thing we have is ultimately our life. So why is it also the hardest thing to do?

I've been strong for too long. 

Transition stress.

I'm exhausted at the moment. The paperwork worries grow more as each day begins and ends. First off, my credits - the epicenter of my mind. I've handed my credit application form along with supporting documentation into the faculty on Tuesday and now I'm "calmly" waiting for the results. I really thought they were going to check my credits on the spot on my enrollment day, not take them away and tell me to wait within ten days. I strongly dislike things being unpredictable, I'm a person who needs to be comforted with knowledge and importantly, consistency. If this anxiety prolongs, I will harass someone at the faculty. Without knowing whether my credits are transferable, I have no choice but to enroll myself into units that I am praying to God that I will not have do this year. If everything goes seemingly well (for once) I will in fact complete my degree in three and a half years. Why couldn't they look at my credits there on my enrollment? Why do I have sit myself through weeks being miserable and having no idea what subjects I will be dead set completing? I'll need to fix up my units by then and quickly find learning sources available to me such as borrowing or buying books. Learning my way around a new campus is also intimidating, and don't get me started with how frustrating the new timetable system looks to me. I must collect a new transport concession form which is available from Monday. My orientation day is on February 23rd. I'm worried about the transportation that I'll face for my placements which will take place in April. I'm also waiting for my WWC card to come into the mail. Travelling to and from the university is okay now though. I need to key in dates into my diary and calendar. I am obsessed with re - checking everything on the portal site to see if my enrollment details are okay. I need to start preparing for work on Saturday. I can write down a list and tick them off one by one, but the thought of one not being crossed as soon as possible can leave me sleepless. I'm trying to get everything done in such a short amount of time. I'm praying for everything to be alright. Please. 

Extrovert, Introvert, It doesn't matter

Introvert: 

Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness. Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.

Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge."

When introverts want to be alone, it is not, by itself, a sign of depression. It means that they either need to regain their energy from being around people or that they simply want the time to be with their own thoughts. Being with people, even people they like and are comfortable with, can prevent them from their desire to be quietly introspective.

Being introspective, though, does not mean that an introvert never has conversations. However, those conversations are generally about ideas and concepts, not about what they consider the trivial matters of social small talk.

Extrovert: 

Most people believe that an extrovert is a person who is friendly and outgoing. While that may be true, that is not the true meaning of extroversion. Basically, an extrovert is a person who is energized by being around other people. This is the opposite of an introvert who is energized by being alone.

Extroverts tend to "fade" when alone and can easily become bored without other people around. When given the chance, an extrovert will talk with someone else rather than sit alone and think. In fact, extroverts tend to think as they speak, unlike introverts who are far more likely to think before they speak. Extroverts often think best when they are talking. Concepts just don't seem real to them unless they can talk about them; reflecting on them isn't enough.

Extroverts enjoy social situations and even seek them out since they enjoy being around people. Their ability to make small talk makes them appear to be more socially adept than introverts (although introverts may have little difficulty talking to people they don't know if they can talk about concepts or issues). 

Extrovert behavior seems to be the standard in American society, which means that other behavior is judged against the ways an extrovert would behave. However, extroverted behavior is simply a manifestation of the way an extrovert interacts with the world. Extroverts are interested in and concerned with the external world.

Source: About.com

Friends.

One of my close friends confided with me last night about a fight she's been having with her best friend. They're going through their final year of high school so I thought it may be the stress that contributed to their fall out. My friend than asked me "Do you have friendship problems? My sister thinks I'm weird." 

I thought about it for a moment, trying to unscramble out my answer to her. I finally realized and replied (written in paragraph form): 

"Your sister and I are the same age so I might know why we don't have fights with our friends. We're not in high school anymore and during that time, we really took for granted the idea of being able to see each other everyday. Now everyone is separated. It is so hard these days to make time for each other, so when we finally do, we really cherish those moments. It takes the both of us to make an effort to keep the friendship going strong. Sure Facebook / Skype / phone can play a convenient factor when we can't meet as frequent, but nothing will beat face to face. We're just so happy to see each other! May it be after a week or even after months, we just don't waste time arguing over anything. We don't have the time to. 

In year 12, you will find out your true friends and by the end of it, you'll only have a handful left. These are the people who know what you have been through to what you are today. Most people at university won't know of that story, they'll ultimately get what they see. So stay close to ones who need you, and the ones that you need. Stay strong."    

City Hunter

"I can't love. That's my destiny."

We're all messed up.

What happens when the people around you are falling apart? We're all helping each other fight our battles, but keep this mind - the first person that should change is yourself. Tell yourself to not be so stubborn and narrow minded, leave it behind you. Listen to others. As of right now, I'm really tired. Everyone is. Everything is becoming so overwhelming and sometimes you just can't help it. We have too much time on our hands that we let ourselves be consumed with negative thoughts of doubt and loneliness. Some people enter your life destined to leave you nothing but a lesson. People change and grow apart, people get hurt - that's life. Now I can either sit here and mope around what could have been or I can move the fuck on. 

I just need some time to sort myself out.

Goodbye December

Bring it on 2012.