Days.

During last year, I'd have these days where I'd just want to cry, but couldn't. I wasn't depressed and I've said this over and over - I was more okay than the previous year. These urges would come with no reason at all. It would occur on any normal day; wake up and attend my lectures. It was strange, I just felt the need to release my tears. I never ended up crying though, so I was eventually left with the thought "Had I forgotten how to cry?". It's been a while since I had a sob. These feelings would pass and another day gone and forgotten. A day that had no impact on me whatsoever. 

Yesterday, I was miserable. Not tired, miserable. The heat must have gotten to me. Does heat inhibit the release of endorphins? I began pondering on other underlying causes to my discomfort. It wasn't a bad day, nothing terrible was happening. I woke up feeling as if something was compressing me...again only this time it was stronger and heavier. I gathered up the thoughts circling in mind and ended up having a new worry to focus on every minute. They'd fade out quickly and become blurry, but then they'll come back... On the physical side, my appetite is starting to become suppressive and sometimes my my hand would become more shaky than usual. Am I becoming quieter? Why is the simple "R U Okay?" question starting the surge of my anxiety? 

I'm falling apart again. I'm at war with myself. The shortest thing we have is ultimately our life. So why is it also the hardest thing to do?

I've been strong for too long. 

Transition stress.

I'm exhausted at the moment. The paperwork worries grow more as each day begins and ends. First off, my credits - the epicenter of my mind. I've handed my credit application form along with supporting documentation into the faculty on Tuesday and now I'm "calmly" waiting for the results. I really thought they were going to check my credits on the spot on my enrollment day, not take them away and tell me to wait within ten days. I strongly dislike things being unpredictable, I'm a person who needs to be comforted with knowledge and importantly, consistency. If this anxiety prolongs, I will harass someone at the faculty. Without knowing whether my credits are transferable, I have no choice but to enroll myself into units that I am praying to God that I will not have do this year. If everything goes seemingly well (for once) I will in fact complete my degree in three and a half years. Why couldn't they look at my credits there on my enrollment? Why do I have sit myself through weeks being miserable and having no idea what subjects I will be dead set completing? I'll need to fix up my units by then and quickly find learning sources available to me such as borrowing or buying books. Learning my way around a new campus is also intimidating, and don't get me started with how frustrating the new timetable system looks to me. I must collect a new transport concession form which is available from Monday. My orientation day is on February 23rd. I'm worried about the transportation that I'll face for my placements which will take place in April. I'm also waiting for my WWC card to come into the mail. Travelling to and from the university is okay now though. I need to key in dates into my diary and calendar. I am obsessed with re - checking everything on the portal site to see if my enrollment details are okay. I need to start preparing for work on Saturday. I can write down a list and tick them off one by one, but the thought of one not being crossed as soon as possible can leave me sleepless. I'm trying to get everything done in such a short amount of time. I'm praying for everything to be alright. Please. 

Extrovert, Introvert, It doesn't matter

Introvert: 

Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness. Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.

Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge."

When introverts want to be alone, it is not, by itself, a sign of depression. It means that they either need to regain their energy from being around people or that they simply want the time to be with their own thoughts. Being with people, even people they like and are comfortable with, can prevent them from their desire to be quietly introspective.

Being introspective, though, does not mean that an introvert never has conversations. However, those conversations are generally about ideas and concepts, not about what they consider the trivial matters of social small talk.

Extrovert: 

Most people believe that an extrovert is a person who is friendly and outgoing. While that may be true, that is not the true meaning of extroversion. Basically, an extrovert is a person who is energized by being around other people. This is the opposite of an introvert who is energized by being alone.

Extroverts tend to "fade" when alone and can easily become bored without other people around. When given the chance, an extrovert will talk with someone else rather than sit alone and think. In fact, extroverts tend to think as they speak, unlike introverts who are far more likely to think before they speak. Extroverts often think best when they are talking. Concepts just don't seem real to them unless they can talk about them; reflecting on them isn't enough.

Extroverts enjoy social situations and even seek them out since they enjoy being around people. Their ability to make small talk makes them appear to be more socially adept than introverts (although introverts may have little difficulty talking to people they don't know if they can talk about concepts or issues). 

Extrovert behavior seems to be the standard in American society, which means that other behavior is judged against the ways an extrovert would behave. However, extroverted behavior is simply a manifestation of the way an extrovert interacts with the world. Extroverts are interested in and concerned with the external world.

Source: About.com

Friends.

One of my close friends confided with me last night about a fight she's been having with her best friend. They're going through their final year of high school so I thought it may be the stress that contributed to their fall out. My friend than asked me "Do you have friendship problems? My sister thinks I'm weird." 

I thought about it for a moment, trying to unscramble out my answer to her. I finally realized and replied (written in paragraph form): 

"Your sister and I are the same age so I might know why we don't have fights with our friends. We're not in high school anymore and during that time, we really took for granted the idea of being able to see each other everyday. Now everyone is separated. It is so hard these days to make time for each other, so when we finally do, we really cherish those moments. It takes the both of us to make an effort to keep the friendship going strong. Sure Facebook / Skype / phone can play a convenient factor when we can't meet as frequent, but nothing will beat face to face. We're just so happy to see each other! May it be after a week or even after months, we just don't waste time arguing over anything. We don't have the time to. 

In year 12, you will find out your true friends and by the end of it, you'll only have a handful left. These are the people who know what you have been through to what you are today. Most people at university won't know of that story, they'll ultimately get what they see. So stay close to ones who need you, and the ones that you need. Stay strong."    

City Hunter

"I can't love. That's my destiny."

We're all messed up.

What happens when the people around you are falling apart? We're all helping each other fight our battles, but keep this mind - the first person that should change is yourself. Tell yourself to not be so stubborn and narrow minded, leave it behind you. Listen to others. As of right now, I'm really tired. Everyone is. Everything is becoming so overwhelming and sometimes you just can't help it. We have too much time on our hands that we let ourselves be consumed with negative thoughts of doubt and loneliness. Some people enter your life destined to leave you nothing but a lesson. People change and grow apart, people get hurt - that's life. Now I can either sit here and mope around what could have been or I can move the fuck on. 

I just need some time to sort myself out.

Goodbye December

Bring it on 2012.

The year that was: 2011

In 2011, I had four lives:

•         University
•         Work
•         Social
•         And the worse one of all “love”

Going home

Early morning train rides to uni

Meanwhile in Microbiology... 

Crazy Wings

Physical Chemistry

I started off the year knowing nothing that was beyond the comfort of my local hometown. My first week taking public transport wasn’t a smooth ride. I became worried that I would get lost, sleep on the train and end up somewhere totally different. Then again, everything was different now. Fortunately after a few mishaps, I am confident to say that I can take the train and tram with ease and independence. Sometimes it’d be nice to spend the journey to and from the city alone with my own thoughts, however too much time in your own head isn’t always a healthy thing – I’ll explain that later.

This was also the most expensive year for me. I had new expenses to take care of such as public transport, textbooks, the mobile phone bill, driving lessons and lunch money. I never needed money for lunch throughout my high school life, and now with the restaurants and fast foods thrust upon every corner of the city; the stomach becomes weak my friend.

I grew accustomed to the lifestyle of university lectures, laboratories, assignments and tests very quickly. My timetable was reasonably fair with the breaks in between classes and the lecturers were informative and helpful. In high school, we would have 90 minute lessons followed by short breaks in between for five days a week. In uni, I would have two hour lectures followed by one – four hour breaks! The best days are when you have no lectures at all. As the semester ended, I would have only approximately ten hours of lectures to attend for the whole week. There were more time to sleep, to study and to play; that’s the first year’s life.

Resting after lab

Of course, my university life would never be complete without the wonderful and beautiful people I’ve met this year. I didn’t have many male friends during high school. To be honest, they never really interested me at all. They were weird and I didn’t feel comfortable with them. By the end of year 12, I only had two guy friends that I could really trust. Now out of an all - girl’s school, I knew I couldn’t be timid forever. Over time, I’m glad to say that I’m no longer the one hiding behind other girls when I see them. I’ve been blessed to have met guys who’ve made me laugh, helped me with the difficulties I had and most importantly, made me feel safe to and from uni. I wasn't scared anymore. They made it okay for me to trust them. Whether they simply turn around to see if I've caught up with them or they’re yelling out my name trying to find me – these are the fondest memories I have of them. They’re an odd bunch, but I won’t ever want that to change. They’re the people I cannot thank enough for this year: my new brothers.  

I look forward to seeing my students every Sunday since May of this year. They’re extremely bubbly, eager to learn and their curiosity never fails to amaze me. I've done work experience at a kindergarten before, but I didn’t find it as interesting compared to tutoring. Tutoring required more attention on each student enabling me to be always busy. I would always be explaining, correcting and making sure all the kids were safe and quiet. Sometimes I’d have to be their mother, their friend and teacher all at the same time! I still have lots to learn when working with children, so I’ve decided to explore more into the field of education. I’ll just leave that pathway in VTAC’s power right now. My new found colleagues are also a reason why the workplace is such a warm and friendly place to go to. I was welcomed very nicely and now we’ve become a very close knitted group. I can’t wait for the many more functions to come!

I believe this year was the most hardest on my heart. Yes I did get envious when I constantly heard how people were falling in love, planning things for their special someone or how happy they’ve become with someone new in their life. I’m just here wondering how it’s all happening so fast, it seemed so easy nowadays. You meet, you talk, you guys spend a lot of time with each and then it just takes one to grow some and everything becomes “official”. Every month passes by and you feel as if you’re already with each other for years. I want to go back to the years where boys didn’t dictate my happiness. I’m trying to go back to that type of independence and it’s so hard with all this time on your hands that you just can’t stop thinking and wondering. In high school, we had six periods a day and by the time we came home we were too tired to even bother about crushes etc. It was just work and sleep. Now I have so much more time in university, my mind becomes preoccupied with the silliest of things - things that wouldn’t matter in 20 years time. I woke up to the same thing for 16 months (487 days) wondering if we may ever become something much more than yesterday. I carried around every day the senseless hope that I’ve created inside of me.

I grew numb to the idea of waiting for nothing; it almost became an unconscious part of me which probably explained how I could wait so long. Until l met someone new. With the late night conversations and the tired mornings - this type was happy was coming back to me. I thought he was going to be different, and he is. He has the sweetest smile and is one of the most charming people I know. Too good to be true isn’t it? Here’s the catch – He’s got the heart as black as coal. “Do you believe in the devil? I do. I’ve looked into his eyes. The devil is real, and he’s not a little red man with horns and a tail. He can be beautiful. Because he’s a fallen angel and he used to be God’s favorite.” (AHS) This devil has played me too well, leaving me heartbroken on Christmas Day. Heartbreak is one of the most devastating pains I have felt. I’m broken for now and I won’t be okay today, but I will be eventually. I'm leaving it all in 2011. I'm strong.

Falling in love has become overrated. Loneliness is underrated. I don’t want to be labeled upon as someone’s girlfriend, seeing each other or going out. Is it so selfish of me to ask if I can just be with someone without the tags? We’re young. Let’s save all this serious stuff when we grow up a bit more.

-

Dec
Childhood Day 

Strawberry Fields

Nov
$4 Pizzas

Sept
Hungry Jacks

Grandma & Wesley at 1000 Steps

Aug
First time at Crazy Wings

Heavenly Delish

July
Team S & K at the Beach

June
Steph & Lan

Sophia's puppy

April 
KC reunion

Feb
Burden Festival

Jan 
Ikea

Another year to say goodbye. The biggest change for me since 2010 is definitely the freedom. I’ve discovered so many new places this year, and I’ve taken upon many new challenges and responsibilities. 2010 was a learning year for me and so will 2011. I’ll never stop delving into new experiences with people and places. I don’t feel as stressed out academically than last year. I haven’t had my annual high fever this year…that’s a good sign! It’s probably from all the outside people’s air I’ve been inhaling that’s built up my immune system. Everyone’s migrated to Skype from Messenger, though a text or a call is always the fastest way to reach me! 2011, you’ve been one big rollercoaster ride. So it’s time to forget about what could have happened in the past, I can’t change it. I can’t predict the future either. I’m just going to take each day as it comes. I’ve learnt the sad truth about myself too: my memories will overlap each other and they will ultimately fade. I can’t rely on myself anymore, so as long as I keep writing I’ll always be able to relive a piece of yesterday whenever I want to.

Lesson learnt: I’m sexy and I know it.

Cheers to us! Here we come 2012!!!

Carpe Diem!

At the end of 2011

C. Brown