During last year, I'd have these days where I'd just want to cry, but couldn't. I wasn't depressed and I've said this over and over - I was more okay than the previous year. These urges would come with no reason at all. It would occur on any normal day; wake up and attend my lectures. It was strange, I just felt the need to release my tears. I never ended up crying though, so I was eventually left with the thought "Had I forgotten how to cry?". It's been a while since I had a sob. These feelings would pass and another day gone and forgotten. A day that had no impact on me whatsoever.
Yesterday, I was miserable. Not tired, miserable. The heat must have gotten to me. Does heat inhibit the release of endorphins? I began pondering on other underlying causes to my discomfort. It wasn't a bad day, nothing terrible was happening. I woke up feeling as if something was compressing me...again only this time it was stronger and heavier. I gathered up the thoughts circling in mind and ended up having a new worry to focus on every minute. They'd fade out quickly and become blurry, but then they'll come back... On the physical side, my appetite is starting to become suppressive and sometimes my my hand would become more shaky than usual. Am I becoming quieter? Why is the simple "R U Okay?" question starting the surge of my anxiety?
I'm falling apart again. I'm at war with myself. The shortest thing we have is ultimately our life. So why is it also the hardest thing to do?
4 comments:
I hope you start smiling soon :)
Thank you Bambi, that really means a lot to me ;_;
Remember how you cried in primary school?
"Had I forgotten how to cry?"
I was like that for a while too. But now, I feel like I've forgotten my basic human emotions. I hope you 'get better' and know that if you feel like crying when I see you next time, cry. I don't need you to fake a smile and pretend everything is fine. If you fall apart, I'll pick up all the pieces and put you back together.
Yes, and I haven't cried in over a year...it just won't come out and I didn't need something terrible to happen. I know sophia :( reading your comment has already made me teary. Most people are like the sun, they only see you at your brightest. I rather have the moon, they see you at your darkest too when the sun is gone.
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