Two years later.

As embarrassing as it is re - reading your past posts on blogspot, I came across a piece I've written almost exactly two years ago (only three days apart!). During that time, and caught up in a fuzzy cloud of silly crushes and fantasies - I had written 10 things I liked about him. 

"

1. when you smile, i smile. so when you don't eat, i don't eat either. SO
EAT.
2. it's the little things that matter, such as trying to find me in room full of people when i ran away without telling you.
3. talking to you is enough to get me through the day, except when you tell
me that you worry. When you're worried, i'm insane.
4. om nom nom nom...you're so cute, you think capsicum will kill you.
5. i feel so safe when i'm with you. if anyone gives me a headache, i'll tell you.
6. it made my day when my computer crashed when you sent me msgs.
7. when am i going to see you again? after exams is a must.
8. why are you sooo adorable? answer: read above

and

9. you never seem to say "goodbye" in your msgs. you'd always wish me a
goodnight, to keep on studying, to keep sleeping and saying that we'll talk
soon.
10. uhh...it's 8:36pm now, i have to get back to homework XD

- Posted by Karen at 7:39 PM Friday, July 16, 2010                                                     

                                                                                                                                        "

As I cringe at each word above, I think it's about time I wrote 10 things I dislike about him now. I personally do not think he is a bad person. He is a person who has made bad choices. I must remember that he is only human and I do not hate him for the way he's made me feel. I never regret any of my happiness, so I'm thankful for the times and memories he's given to me.

So here it is, 10 things I hate about you:

1. Your selfishness: 

Here's the thing, friends help each other. You were first and foremost a friend to me so when you refused to borrow a book for me because you were getting teased about us, well...what's does that mean to me? You chose yourself over me. You were the one establishing that we were "just friends" and that you didn't want to fuel the idea of us becoming something much more. It meant that I couldn't rely on you...just so you can save your name's sake.

2. Your smoking: 

Earlier, I asked you if you would ever consider smoking. You said that you didn't want to kill yourself like that. Look at you now.

3. Your drinking: 

As the months past, our conversations began to circle around how drunk you got the night before, or how much you drank, which nightclubs you went to, how sick you felt...etc. I was the girl who'd still wait online  to listen to all of that, if it meant that I'd still be a part of your life.

4. The fact that you can wake up in the morning and forget about someone: 

Sometimes I'd find myself still puzzled at this. You've become such a big part of my routine, you were the one who could make or break my day. So when it suddenly stopped one day, oh yeah I was pretty not-my-so-self. I became worried, and even blamed myself that it was my fault that you left....me.

5. How I thought that I knew you: 

I really thought I did.

6. How in the end I had to put so much effort to maintain "us": 

Whatever that meant, I could feel you forgetting me. I had to initiate all the conversations and lunches. They say it's courageous for a girl to make the move first, but there's a point where it felt as if no matter how much you try to poke a dead bird, it's never going to wake up.

7. When I'm with your friends and you don't seem to take notice of me: 

I sat with you and your friends for two hours.

Quiet.

Tired.

Bored.

But it's okay, as long as you're still there...right?

8. Your slow replies & how you ignore messages: 

Having a shitty phone is one thing. Having a shitty plan is another. If only you knew how scared I was, and how many times I'd read over and over the texts before I'd actually manage to grow some balls and send them to you - then maybe you would have taken a few minutes in your busy life to properly reply or actually reply to them.

9.  

10. 

I can only think of eight reasons now and I intend to leave it at that. I do not want to force myself to pinpoint anymore of his flaws. Two years ago the thought of him being with someone else was unbearable. Now, it's finally happened and I do not feel a single ounce of regret or envy. I've come along way from changing "i" to "I", other punctuation notes and wonders why the heck I've used an emoticon in a post.

He is happy and, I am too.