Goodbye December

Bring it on 2012.

The year that was: 2011

In 2011, I had four lives:

•         University
•         Work
•         Social
•         And the worse one of all “love”

Going home

Early morning train rides to uni

Meanwhile in Microbiology... 

Crazy Wings

Physical Chemistry

I started off the year knowing nothing that was beyond the comfort of my local hometown. My first week taking public transport wasn’t a smooth ride. I became worried that I would get lost, sleep on the train and end up somewhere totally different. Then again, everything was different now. Fortunately after a few mishaps, I am confident to say that I can take the train and tram with ease and independence. Sometimes it’d be nice to spend the journey to and from the city alone with my own thoughts, however too much time in your own head isn’t always a healthy thing – I’ll explain that later.

This was also the most expensive year for me. I had new expenses to take care of such as public transport, textbooks, the mobile phone bill, driving lessons and lunch money. I never needed money for lunch throughout my high school life, and now with the restaurants and fast foods thrust upon every corner of the city; the stomach becomes weak my friend.

I grew accustomed to the lifestyle of university lectures, laboratories, assignments and tests very quickly. My timetable was reasonably fair with the breaks in between classes and the lecturers were informative and helpful. In high school, we would have 90 minute lessons followed by short breaks in between for five days a week. In uni, I would have two hour lectures followed by one – four hour breaks! The best days are when you have no lectures at all. As the semester ended, I would have only approximately ten hours of lectures to attend for the whole week. There were more time to sleep, to study and to play; that’s the first year’s life.

Resting after lab

Of course, my university life would never be complete without the wonderful and beautiful people I’ve met this year. I didn’t have many male friends during high school. To be honest, they never really interested me at all. They were weird and I didn’t feel comfortable with them. By the end of year 12, I only had two guy friends that I could really trust. Now out of an all - girl’s school, I knew I couldn’t be timid forever. Over time, I’m glad to say that I’m no longer the one hiding behind other girls when I see them. I’ve been blessed to have met guys who’ve made me laugh, helped me with the difficulties I had and most importantly, made me feel safe to and from uni. I wasn't scared anymore. They made it okay for me to trust them. Whether they simply turn around to see if I've caught up with them or they’re yelling out my name trying to find me – these are the fondest memories I have of them. They’re an odd bunch, but I won’t ever want that to change. They’re the people I cannot thank enough for this year: my new brothers.  

I look forward to seeing my students every Sunday since May of this year. They’re extremely bubbly, eager to learn and their curiosity never fails to amaze me. I've done work experience at a kindergarten before, but I didn’t find it as interesting compared to tutoring. Tutoring required more attention on each student enabling me to be always busy. I would always be explaining, correcting and making sure all the kids were safe and quiet. Sometimes I’d have to be their mother, their friend and teacher all at the same time! I still have lots to learn when working with children, so I’ve decided to explore more into the field of education. I’ll just leave that pathway in VTAC’s power right now. My new found colleagues are also a reason why the workplace is such a warm and friendly place to go to. I was welcomed very nicely and now we’ve become a very close knitted group. I can’t wait for the many more functions to come!

I believe this year was the most hardest on my heart. Yes I did get envious when I constantly heard how people were falling in love, planning things for their special someone or how happy they’ve become with someone new in their life. I’m just here wondering how it’s all happening so fast, it seemed so easy nowadays. You meet, you talk, you guys spend a lot of time with each and then it just takes one to grow some and everything becomes “official”. Every month passes by and you feel as if you’re already with each other for years. I want to go back to the years where boys didn’t dictate my happiness. I’m trying to go back to that type of independence and it’s so hard with all this time on your hands that you just can’t stop thinking and wondering. In high school, we had six periods a day and by the time we came home we were too tired to even bother about crushes etc. It was just work and sleep. Now I have so much more time in university, my mind becomes preoccupied with the silliest of things - things that wouldn’t matter in 20 years time. I woke up to the same thing for 16 months (487 days) wondering if we may ever become something much more than yesterday. I carried around every day the senseless hope that I’ve created inside of me.

I grew numb to the idea of waiting for nothing; it almost became an unconscious part of me which probably explained how I could wait so long. Until l met someone new. With the late night conversations and the tired mornings - this type was happy was coming back to me. I thought he was going to be different, and he is. He has the sweetest smile and is one of the most charming people I know. Too good to be true isn’t it? Here’s the catch – He’s got the heart as black as coal. “Do you believe in the devil? I do. I’ve looked into his eyes. The devil is real, and he’s not a little red man with horns and a tail. He can be beautiful. Because he’s a fallen angel and he used to be God’s favorite.” (AHS) This devil has played me too well, leaving me heartbroken on Christmas Day. Heartbreak is one of the most devastating pains I have felt. I’m broken for now and I won’t be okay today, but I will be eventually. I'm leaving it all in 2011. I'm strong.

Falling in love has become overrated. Loneliness is underrated. I don’t want to be labeled upon as someone’s girlfriend, seeing each other or going out. Is it so selfish of me to ask if I can just be with someone without the tags? We’re young. Let’s save all this serious stuff when we grow up a bit more.

-

Dec
Childhood Day 

Strawberry Fields

Nov
$4 Pizzas

Sept
Hungry Jacks

Grandma & Wesley at 1000 Steps

Aug
First time at Crazy Wings

Heavenly Delish

July
Team S & K at the Beach

June
Steph & Lan

Sophia's puppy

April 
KC reunion

Feb
Burden Festival

Jan 
Ikea

Another year to say goodbye. The biggest change for me since 2010 is definitely the freedom. I’ve discovered so many new places this year, and I’ve taken upon many new challenges and responsibilities. 2010 was a learning year for me and so will 2011. I’ll never stop delving into new experiences with people and places. I don’t feel as stressed out academically than last year. I haven’t had my annual high fever this year…that’s a good sign! It’s probably from all the outside people’s air I’ve been inhaling that’s built up my immune system. Everyone’s migrated to Skype from Messenger, though a text or a call is always the fastest way to reach me! 2011, you’ve been one big rollercoaster ride. So it’s time to forget about what could have happened in the past, I can’t change it. I can’t predict the future either. I’m just going to take each day as it comes. I’ve learnt the sad truth about myself too: my memories will overlap each other and they will ultimately fade. I can’t rely on myself anymore, so as long as I keep writing I’ll always be able to relive a piece of yesterday whenever I want to.

Lesson learnt: I’m sexy and I know it.

Cheers to us! Here we come 2012!!!

Carpe Diem!

At the end of 2011

C. Brown

Too soon.

It hurts to even breathe right now.

I can't cry. I can't sleep. It's torturing me.

They're all fucking the same.

It's not right to play with someone's feelings when you're not even sure of your own.

I can't do anything now. 

It hurts too much. 

It's not fair that I'm always the one being hurt like this.

A brick has been rammed into my heart. 

I am too young for this. 

I'm out. 

No, I'm not going to let him win. My happiness will be a big Fuck you.

18.12.11

As I walked around my classroom area, I noticed one of my mischievous students had disappeared! I looked around and suddenly saw him carrying my student in his arms...like a bag of rice. 

...

J, D and I left after work for ice cream at Glen. We tried a new dessert place sharing a fruit salad with crushed mango ice. J wasn't satisfied with the coconut mango cream drink he had ordered. Menu pictures can be deceiving. 

After dessert, the boys had felt for a good hearty meal accompanied by a deep fried mars bar. It tasted similar to a chocolate hot cross bun, with the sweet sap oozing out of it. It was so rich, one bite was just enough for my body intake. The last bite size piece was devoured by D. Mango smoothies to wash down everything the boys had ate. Male appetites never fail to amaze and concern me. 

We went to Burden Park to relax. Here's a little thing, D likes sky lanterns. Unfortunately they're banned in Australia due to fire hazards. So I thought of something else that I could show him that was just as pretty when it's in the air. I surprised J and D with two bubble sticks. 

The two got a bit over excited, nevertheless no matter how old you are - bubbles are always fun to play with. Before I knew it, J and D popped into the car. With D holding a bubble wand out of the front passenger window, the two zoomed off leaving a trail of bubbles behind...

and me. Alone. At the park. 

They returned and we continued to blow more bubbles. J was lying on the grass and D became the school playground bully. He kept provoking him as he blew bubbles from behind. Finally, after D wiped his soapy hands on J's car, J chased him into the open grass. 

They wrestled for a while, rolling around on the ground. Boys will be boys. I haven't laughed so hard in ages! J became tired and laid in defeat on the grass hill. So D thought it was a good idea to simulate CPR on him. He played doctor and I was his nurse who used the bubble stick as an injection for the patient in distress. Dr. D placed his hands over patient J's chest and began applying pressure, yelling out "Breathe! J! Breathe!" We tried to restrain the patient, but he kept tossing and turning. Then D and I dragged his body up the hill, rolled it back down and dragged it back up again...poor J, we had no anesthetics and he screamed in pain. Hey, my back hurt trying to lift him! I poked him with the bubble stick and he referred it to an adult toy. I cried helplessly on the grass after this. 

D trusted me enough to let me drive his car around the car park. This was the part that I really liked. I knew inside he was still a bit unsettled, so I went really slow. D is really a nice and patient teacher. He didn't touch the wheel at all and guided me when to accelerate and brake. I parked successfully and jumped out of the car with joy! We made it out alive. No one got hurt, not even the car. This was the best birthday gift of the year. 

I'm too tired from all the laughing and lifting. Oh the scenes I witnessed from these two boys combined - I'll be taking them to my grave. 

Thank you for making me smile J and D. 

Christmas gifts for my students!

Toy whistles!

More toy whistles!

It's already that time of the year. I'm going to miss them all terribly. 

Last Christmas

I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away. 

I'm happy that I never confessed to you this year.

Tell me baby do you recognize me?  

Well it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me

I was wishing for the person that you once were to come back to me. Do you remember the days when you were the last person I talked to before I slept? This is the part of you that I've missed, the one that consisted of me. Now, there are no more heartbeats skipped whenever I hear your name or see it appear online. Places we've been to are now just that, a place - not a sad memory. I'm done with the mess you've caused my heart to face. I'm free. I haven't been familiarized to this type of relief in ages.

(Merry Christmas!) I wrapped it up and sent it

With a note saying "I love you" I meant it

Now I know what I fool I've been

On the day of your birthday, I sent you ten pages worth of text detailing my utmost gratitude towards you. Felt good didn't it? Well, it's hard to tell with the vagueness of your messages nowadays. What did I receive on my day? Two words (and an exclamation mark). I wasn't expecting much from you at all. To be honest, I didn't really care. Just for the record, you posting pictures of almost naked girls on your Tumblr is making it that much easier for me to let go of you.

My God I thought you were someone to rely on 

Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on 

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart

A man undercover but you tore me apart 

I'm not replaying the moments we had in my head as frequent now, they become more faint as days past. Holding onto you for so long and reminding myself the stupidly happy days when we met face to face.

You'll never fool me again 

Not even the thousands of instant messages sent from you can compare to what this person has done for me in the past month alone. This time, I'm not the one who has to rush my replies to you before you quickly disappear offline. Finally for once, I'm not the one in charge whether we speak or see each other. I hate being replied with "Whatever is up to you, I don't mind.". Now, I'm the one who falls asleep on him on Skype at 2 in the morning. I'm not afraid to call him when I'm worried. I never have to listen to his drunken stories because he's never touched it. He has sentiment, he's humble and he's sweet. 48 minutes after my birthday, he wished me a happy birthday again and decided to take me out after work to celebrate. When I get my P's, it will be my turn to finally drive him around! There are so many more things he wants to explore, I can't wait to see what memories we'll create together.

I'll give it to someone, I'll give it to someone special 

Then there are doubts. I need to be cautious. I'm scared that by next Christmas, I will give my heart once again to someone else. If there was never a goodbye to you, there would never had been a hello as sweet as this. After 16 months of waiting, I feel stronger and wiser. As for now, I'm just going to take it day by day and see where it goes ~ CARPE DIEM.

This year, to save me from tears I'll give it to someone special. 

Tea & Ice

Sitting in the front seat of his car and on the verge of leaving Glen, I raised my arm and gently pressed into his. The back of my right fist was held to the side of his face. I looked at him; something had suddenly clicked into my mind. Something pulled me back into reality and it was time. If I didn't do this now, I'll never have the chance again. Before it was too late, I said those three words to him. 

“Did we pay?!”

We both sat in silence, realizing that we had left the restaurant without paying for our food! 

Leaving

I wish just for once someone won't establish a time limit on me. A guy that won't look at me and then in a couple months or so wake up and forget about my existence. From having the almost everyday of us - it turns into once a week, once a month and if I'm really lucky, once a year. Words get shorter. Words get ignored. Why am I the one always being left? What did I do to make it not okay (anymore)? Do you know how pathetic I feel? I'm here blaming myself for all that went wrong and so distant. Seeing your name on my phone or online, gives me the urge to press call and do anything that can reach you. Unfortunately, you won't even give two cents to reach me back. I've initiated so many times for us to see each other face to face, trying to keep us together yet you keep walking. I don't know what else to do, a conversation doesn't even feel like one anymore if I'm the one always starting it first. I'm tired. I expect too much. I'm disappointed in myself for expecting too much. My heart is so stupid, always telling itself that this time it'll be different and that I just have to wait. Always wanting something we can't have, it's the greedy part of humans. 

Maybe it'd be okay for someone to say to me "If you miss me, you're allowed to call me first." It's not about the "crush" feelings that I wished to be reciprocated, I want to know that I'm still important to you in any way. I don't want to rely on a coincidental bump on the streets to get a hello from you. Is that too selfish to ask? I am still waiting for that one person in my life who'll prove that I'm worth it. Imagine that? someone who won't give up on me or leave my side for whatever reason - even if it may doubt his pride. From now on, anyone who wants to leave me can do so. Fighting for us will be an temporary option until there is nothing left but to move on. I'll have memories of you. I trust that you'll be okay. I'll re-read old conversations and visiting places that we went to together will be a nostalgic experience. That's all I'll have of you, but I won't keep them forever. Overtime, as cruel as aging can be, I'll forget everything. You were the one that left me. I'll stop thinking about what we could have had. You'll become a faint moment in my life and then everything will be gone. I'll just remember your smile and your touch. 

Is there a forever for me? I don't know, I've just got to cherish everything I have before it's too late. 

Goodbye November

I can use a snow picture! It's only 19 degrees today ~